Teaching and Parenting Programs—Two Recommendations

It is trite to point out that differences in parenting and teaching skills undoubta ly make a difference in the kind of kids we raise. Clearly some kids are irresponsible in their behaviors, some very responsible. What kind of a program should we use? There are many out there but from studying the literature we can abstract a few criteria to sort the programs to identify those that usefully combine more advanced explanations of development with corresponding developmental techniques. Two programs, for example, meet those criteria, "Parent (or Teacher) Effectiveness Training" and "Discipline Without Stress Teaching Model." Both are adapted to teaching as well as parenting.

The explanations and problem solving model of Thomas Gordon in his work, Parent Effectiveness Training still serves me today as a basis for discussions with my son. I would recommend its problem solving techniques to any parent or teacher as a foundation for learning how to promote children's development of responsible behavior. At the heart of parent and teacher effectiveness are the skills of active listening, the distinction between feelings/values and true problems with tangible consequences, the problem posing and problem solving process, and the crucial language that accompanies these skills.

Another current program I believe is tops in the field is Marvin Marshall's Discipline Without Stress, Punishments, or Rewards. It too is full of techniques for developing and involving children in their own self-management; it is an advanced program because it helps us understand differences among the parenting psychologies and understand why the control and punitive discipline approaches (that most parents use) don't work as well as why the approaches based on inviting and encouraging children to become more involved in being responsible for their own behavior works so well. In fact, by directly helping children understand the different levels of management of their behavior—from having the parent control them up to having them take responsibility—forms the heart of MM's program and techniques. It is well-suited to the classroom situation.

Here's the four levels of social and personal development that Marvin Marshall teaches. A key part is to not only to insure the child understands the four levels but then in each situation to have him choose which level he wants to use. The techniques build from there.

The four levels of social and personal development that Marvin Marshall teaches:

(D) Democracy—Internal motivation. Highest Level.
Develops self-discipline and displays responsibility.
Demonstrates initiative.
Democracy and responsibility are inseparable.
(The difference between levels C and D is in the motivation, not the behavior.)

(C) Cooperation/Conformity—External motivation levels.
Considerate
Complies with what is expected.
Conforms (includes conforming to peer pressure that may be irresponsible.)
(Only levels C and D are acceptable behaviors.)

(B) Bossing/Bullying
Bothers others. Bullies others.
Breaks laws and standards.
Must be bossed to behave.

(A) Anarchy (not to be confused with “anarchism”)
Absence of order. Aimless and chaotic.

Teaching and parenting are consequentially of long term importance, and they involve at least a little theory of child development as well as some corresponding techniques. We should look for programs that work simultaneously with the child's point of view and the teacher’s own in tackling challenges—i.e., using problem solving processes rather than either controlling the child in an authoritarian manner that demands obedience or giving in to the child in a permissive manner that gives no guidance. The program should have some precise conceptual model explaining development. It should have a set of specific techniques, and the program should have a developmental component, that is, it should help us take account of levels of development in both children and among the programs themselves. Both the Gordon and Marshall programs recognize the developmental differences among children in the levels of assuming responsibility for their behaviors and somewhat to a degree among programs themselves although not necessarily by assigning them development levels.